Negative talk

I woke up this morning thinking about how much weight I have gained, how crappy I feel about my body, how bummed out I am about the medical stuff I went through 2 months ago... and then I shook my head and thought why the hell am I doing this to myself?

I have no idea why I woke with such negative talk rolling around in my head but I'm doing what I can to get rid of it. I have fun weekend plans with family and I'm going to make an effort to enjoy myself and not beat myself up. Now if only my brain would cooperate.

sigh

Ah the joys of these new social networking sites and the new issues that come from them. I know Di Di and Mamabeek have talked about issues with FB and now I have a twitter issue.

I am on twitter to follow a particular band I'm a huge fan of, that is the only reason I joined.This may seem weird but it's something I don't want to share with other people. I never told anyone I joined and for a long time I had my tweets hidden. I took off the privacy settings a couple of weeks ago because I wanted to join in a public conversation, forgot to put it back and one of my not a fan of the band, real life friends found me tonight.

I sent her a DM saying she probably does not want to follow me, and I removed her from my followers. If she asks I'm going to just say I closed my privacy settings and it must have thrown her out when I did it. She's not savvy about twitter. I should have made it so I wan't identifiable at all, now I don't want to tweet anymore. Maybe I'll create another twitter account and stop tweeting on this one or delete the tweets I don't want anyone to read and just use this for my public account.

I should have known better. Such a bummer.

An Open Letter to My DH

Dear Hubby,

I'm writing this here because if I don't write it down here, I might just have to strangle you.

It's not my fault that you call two nights before you leave to find out what you need to wear for the various events you'll participate in while traveling.

It's also not my fault that you had to go shopping after work tonight because you did not have any appropriate clothing.

It's not my fault that you wait to pack for your trip at 10pm the night before your 8am flight.

It's not my fault that you only travel a couple of times a year and therefore forget which toiletries you ran out of the last time you did so (oh and again, not my fault you waited until 10pm to start thinking about this).

Yes, I travel more often than you do, I also think about what I need to wear months beforehand, pack at least 24 hours beforehand and always replace my toiletries before I even begin to pack (sometimes right after I return from my trip).

I will miss you while you're gone this weekend, but it's not my fault that I'll be slightly happy to be drop you off in the AM.

How quickly you forgot that I 1. went shopping with you, 2. let you borrow my suitcase and 3. took care of checking you in for your flight.

Much love from your running out of patience Wife.

How annoying can today get?

Let me count the ways (with messages for those individuals who made it especially annoying):

1. Kept forgetting things upstairs this am, which make me run up and down the stairs and leave for work 20 minutes late.
   
2. The most annoying staff meeting this AM. Team Member who is leaving in a coupe of weeks - Dude if I can't understand it and one of the other long time team members can't understand it, it sucks and needs to be revised-- just do it.
3. Boss - I don't have the time or patience for your issues. When I said I did not want a new person to be aimless it was not a direct comment on your training abilities however, if you were not so blatantly insecure I'd tell you that you suck at it and it's the whole reason we took over the training to begin with. Please, do not tell me again how good you are at it.
4. Internet explorer, thanks for crashing right when I was book flights for a conference. Lucky for you I waited it out and eventually got the email confirmation that the flights were actually booked.
5. Dr's office receptionist- when I explain to you that the Dr tells me I have to sign paperwork to get copies of the blood tests just let me sign the damn paperwork so I don't have to hear the Dr complain about the fact that you didn't have me sign the paperwork.

I'm staying inside the rest of today. I'm done with all the annoying people.

Surgery follow up today-- clean bill of health.

It's been almost a month...

since I last wrote. I didn't mean to stay away for so long. I have thought about writing often but coming up with the motivation to do so has been challenging. I have continued to move forward physically and psychologically (thank you for all your kind and caring comments on my past few posts, it really was a comfort to read your words). I have many more good days than bad a month out from my surgery. It seems I still don't have very much to say but it's getting better.

It's our busiest time of year at work so I have been working a lot and I've been itching to do some more academic writing so I contacted my post doc mentor about a call for papers. Thus, it seems I may have something to write about here in the not too distant future.

Healing

Thank you for all the kind comments on my previous post.

Physically, things have improved greatly over the last week. Had my surgery on Monday and everything went as well as it could have.

Spent the week working from home so I could rest when I needed to but at the same time not have to use all my personal time being miserable.

Emotionally, I'm getting there. I think overall I'm doing better than could have been expected.

devastated

Yesterday was the worst day of my life (so far and I hope, hope, hope for a lifetime). I have a medical issue that shattered my world both physically and emotionally (I don't want to get into specifics for a number of reasons). The good news is that it's not permanent or life threatening and I will eventually be okay. Things are going to suck physically for about a week or so and emotionally for well... as long as it takes I guess.

The toughest thing for me right now is that talking is the worst. I just can't do it, and as a psychologist I know this freaks everyone around me out. Even thinking about talking to other people makes my eyes fill with tears and frankly I've cried enough in the last 24 hours to leave my eyes swollen, skin raw and my head pounding. I'm not sure I can take much more of it so I've been avoiding talking to everyone.

Even my husband who really is a comfort right now, I can't talk to. I thought I was okay this AM given that I actually slept rather well last night despite my concerns that I would not. Then the minute I started to speak to him I fell apart. I sent him out for the morning so that I could just feel more composed.

So I'm going to be quiet for a while, maybe after the physical issues are dealt with the emotional distress will ease a bit as well. I hope everyone understands, I know I have their love and support and that really is a comfort to me, right now I just don't have a voice to express it.