Work

I have been doing some hard core soul searching about my job and have come to some serious conclusions. I need to either get off my current project or leave my company. A few things have happened recently to make me realize that I need to do this.

1. We have a new senior member of our team. She had breakdown late last week and I realized that I was looking in a mirror. Nothing has changed, she is having the same difficulties I experienced 2 years ago when I began this job. Even more startling to me was the fact that none of those difficulties have gone away in 2 YEARS.
2. Monday we had a big wigs staff meeting and every big wig admitted to having health and/or relationship difficulties due to our work on this project. I should mention there are 5 of us!
   
3. I woke up at 3am this am, could not stop thinking about a meeting I had with our FC early that afternoon in light of the revelations from the senior staff meeting on Monday and I ended up sobbing.
   

So I need to do something. I don't want to leave my company, if I were not on this particular project my company would be one of the best to work for. But, I've been pigeon holed in my current position on my current project because I've made it work (we literally make the impossible happen, over and over again!) and I've made it better for everyone else involved (except for myself).

I have made it quite clear to the powers that be over and over again that I would like to be involved in other projects and that I'd even be willing to stay on my current project part-time if I could find something else intellectually stimulating. I have also asked to shift my responsibilities to take on tasks that are more intellectually stimulating and would entail less direct contact with my supervisor and FC. These requests have all been met with what the powers that be thought was what I wanted to hear at the time, but no follow up action.

I am no longer willing to stay on part-time and I no longer care to have my responsibilities shifted. I need off the project or moving on to another company. It's not a threat, it's the reality of the situation. I just don't think there is room for me on other projects. There are so few PhD spots

Here's the other side of this: I am 6.5 months pregnant. I'll be on maternity leave from mid-July to mid-October. So when do I tell the powers that be that I need to either be switched to a new project or I will have to leave? Any Advice?

Why yes, I do have a blog....

I have thought about posting often, but for some reason just haven't gotten around to it. I do wonder if part of the reason why I haven't blogged is that I'm having a bit of an identity crisis...well maybe not crisis but floundering. I'm not upset about it, just recognizing that my life is changing and I'm not 100% settled in who I am right now.

Here's some updates wrapped in topics I have thought about blogging about:

My life working opposite shift from my husband.

• Primarily revolves around take out food and my DVR.
• I spend a lot of time alone and often feel quite lonely.

5.5 months of pregnancy

• Overall, I think it's been a pretty easy going pregnancy.
  
• Luckily, I got by with very little morning sickness.
• I am suffering from some back issues and have been in PT for about 2 months, things are going better and my PT exercises work to the point where I've been able to control the pain pretty well.
• I found registering for baby goods way more overwhelming than registering for our wedding. Not sure what that says about me.
• My dogs have been taken over by alien beasts, I had no idea they'd be so reactive to the fact that I'm pregnant.
  
• I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what it will be like to raise a son (yes, baby is a boy) and how right it feels for hubby and I.
• It is still a bit mind blowing (exciting but still mind blowing) that I have a human life growing inside me and that in a few short months I'll be a Mom.
  

Work

• Not much has changed. 1.5 years of dealing with micromanaging high maintenance individuals has really worn me down.
• I'm looking forward to maternity leave and will reassess my career plans in the fall.
• I saw my undergrad, master, phd and post doc mentors at our annual conference at the end of January, all of them encouraged me to get back into the academia game. Some of them luring me in with good data and the prospect of writing up papers over the next year and getting on the job market.
  
• A grad school friend just accepted a job in home city that is a job I have coveted for 2 years now, but never applied for. Still not sure how I feel about that.
  

I think that's it for now. If you are particularly interested in any of these topics let me know and I can write more.

back pain

I mentioned previously that I was experiencing agonizing back pain. It turns out my tail bone is out, as in shifted so that the left side is out a little more than the right side and that leads to inflammation and serious pain.

I've had three PT sessions and they are helping a lot, except that my tail bone keeps popping out in between sessions. :( I also had a set back flying back from the conference last week given that I was on a cramped plane for 6 hours straight.

The point of the PT exercises are to build up the muscles to keep the tailbone in place, however that means the tailbone should be in place while I'm doing the exercises. I don't know what we're going to do if it keeps popping out between appointments. I also don't know what this means for the rest of my pregnancy, this is occurring much earlier for me than it does for many pregnant women. Please keep your fingers crossed that my tailbone stays in place so that the exercises will work and I can be fairly pain free for the rest of this pregnancy.

Ok, I'm off to do some of my exercises and ice my back.

RBOC quick check in edition

• An up date on my last post; I now have a temporary crown on my tooth and am pretty much pain free. My back is better, physical therapy made a huge difference and I'm traveling right now so I haven't been able to be vigilant about my exercises but I'm doing my best and will be much better when I get home.
• I'm not sure this conference was a great idea. All of my old colleagues are trying to convince me to jump back into the academia game and kick ANJ to the curb. I have lots of mixed feelings about this.
• I have no luck with hotel rooms, we're in an amazing city with a wealth of hotel options and I ended up at the conference hotel that SUCKS. The room is small, with an even smaller window, the lighting is dingy and the hotel itself just feels run down.
• Things are not much better ANJ, I am battling with my supervisor over control over a project that I am the lead on but that supervisor clearly wants to direct. It's not much fun and I'm fighting the battle but told my closest colleague that I'm close to giving in, and that if I do I see where this path will lead me --likely that I will not be back after maternity leave.
• It's been fun and a bit overwhelming telling all my friends and colleagues that I'm pregnant. Everyone is so supportive. I'm still in the position of telling some they can't tell others because I really think it should come from me. After this weekend though, all bets are off, tell whomever the hell you want to tell. :)
• Can't wait to fly home on Sunday. I miss my hubby, the dogs, and my own bed.
  

An Open Letter

Dear Body:

I know you're very busy growing a little one and I am deeply appreciative. I also recognize that this is hard work and hence don't complain when you want to go to bed at 8:30pm or eat more red meat in a week that I usually eat in a month. However, could you please space out the falling apart? Intolerable back pain resulting in the need for physical therapy and a broken tooth* resulting in the need for a temporary cap in the same day is really unfair. Oh, and if you can't space these things out could you please, please, please not have them occur 2 days before I fly to the other coast?

You should now know that I am in love with my physical therapist and dentist who are miraculously making this trip still possible.

Love and Dr's appointments.
Me

* have I mentioned my terror when it comes to the dentist? Think of me tomorrow at 12pm EST.

Home body

I had a short business trip this week (Tu AM to Wed early PM) and on the plane home tonight I realized that I'm becoming a home body.

I still yearn for a tropical (or at least warm) vacation but I don't like to be away for long periods of time and especially without my husband. I recognize that some of that maybe due to the fact that I'm pregnant but reflecting back I think this has been building. I suspect some of stems from the realization that work travel isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

I just couldn't wait to get in my own house, where my comfy sweats are located. Where I could sit on my own couch and watch TV and I've been dreaming about sleeping in my own bed tonight (even though I was only in a hotel room for 1 night).

I'm traveling again next week for a conference. I'll be gone Wed through Sun. I'll probably be a mess by the time I get back. Fingers crossed I don't have any traveling snafus. After that, I don't have any travel plans (although it looks like I might have a couple of short work meeting trips next month).

Personal Reveal

I am 13 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Hubby and I are thrilled, we are just starting to tell people. We have experienced a previous loss so we have been very cautious during this pregnancy with telling people and just waiting for time to pass. However, I am just about to enter my 2nd trimester, we've had 3 ultrasounds and the baby has a very strong heart beat and has been consistently measuring 3-4 days ahead of it's gestational age, so all signs so far point to a healthy pregnancy. We're starting to feel much more optimistic. Here is an ultrasound pic from my 12 week appointment.

We are preparing for life to change around here and I'm hoping I'll find time to blog about all the decisions we have to make but for now I wanted to share my good news.