Lately I have been feeling ... well... "blah" is the only thing that comes to mind when trying to describe it. I wasn't all that jazzed about the holidays, have wanted to just sleep in everyday and getting up to go to work has felt like a chore. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out why I feel this way and it's become increasingly clear that part of what has me down is that I've been beating myself up about not making progress in any aspects of my life.
1. Work: It's hard for me to make progress at ANJ because those above me are overworked and short on time. We've missed a couple of deadlines as of late on projects on which I am the lead. Although those we report to are okay with us missing those deadlines as other emergency stuff came up that took precedence,psychologically this doesn't sit well with me. I hate missing deadlines and I hate working my ass off to get something done so that it can sit on someone else's desk until they get to it, well past the deadline. It eats at me, and I've now been in this situation for a couple of months and therefore have sat in a state of frustration and haven't felt like proactively approaching any of my upcoming deadlines.
2. Research: I am backlogged with research stuff to do, writing papers, writing conference presentations and data processing. I am thisclose to sending out my dissertation manuscript, but haven't dedicated time to do it. It's one of those situations where I have so much to do that I feel overwhelmed and don't do any of it. I need to remember that I love my research and when I'm making progress on it, I am happy. Also, I've come to the realization that ANJ isn't my forever job so I need to start thinking about this years academic job market. Again, all I need to do is just start working on it and that alone makes me feel better and of course increases the chance my work gets published, and increases the chances I'll get a job I want next year.
3. My health: I am seriously overweight. At the end of grad school I was running regularly, eating well. going to the doctor and getting my health on track. Then I started my post doc and spent all of my time in the lab, not exercising, not eating the right foods, incredibly stressed out and my weight spiralled back out of control. I know what I need to do to turn this around, and I know that once I start doing the right things I can make progress. Of course it's the actual doing that is stalled out. I need to kick myself in the ass and get back on track. And I know if I take care of this, other things start to fall into place.
4. My new house: I have two rooms here with boxes that haven't been unpacked (one of them is my office). I feel unsettled and unorganized which makes it hard for me to work. I want to be able to use those rooms (what the hell did I buy this house for if I can't use them??), so I need to get in gear and get them cleaned out.
5. Finances: I have a lot of debt and no savings. Although I make good money at ANJ, with buying the house, new furniture and then the holidays I haven't had a chance to catch up. I make enough to start paying down my debt and to start putting money aside, I just need to organize my finances so I can do that. Once again I feel overwhelmed and frozen, I just need to dedicate a few hours to figuring out my budget and then it will take care of itself, and I know in a few short months I'll feel much better about this.
In sum, I'm stalled out. I let all these different aspects of my life overwhelm me and just stopped doing anything which lead to more overwhelming feelings and less and less progress. So, what am I going to do about it? I've been thinking a lot about it and my plan will be the the subject of my next post... 2009 = the year of Progress and Productivity.