The Grass is always greener...

I had lunch this weekend with the grad school friend I mentioned at the bottom of this post. We spent a lot of time talking about our respective jobs and although I still wish I could spend my days doing what she spends her day doing (i.e., writing manuscripts and conducting data analysis on ideas/projects that she can freely generate), I would not be able to do that job now that I have a child. The place she works is not at all family friend. Totally inflexible regarding hours, no working from home, and a regimented half hour lunch break (so she always eats her lunch at her desk). So although I coveted this job for years, I am over it.

I may not be able to spend my days doing what I would like (although the powers that be keep telling me that we're going to get there), I have been able to drop down to 75% time, I work from home at least one day a week and my husband brings my son to the office so I can nurse him on my long day, oh and I got a promotion after being back from maternity a couple of days.

I'm a Mommy!

Wow, it's been forever since I've posted here. Not even sure anyone is left to read it.

I had my baby boy July 5th at 12:24pm and he is the love of my life. He was 7lbs, 9oz and 21 inches long. I'm going to try to find some time to come back in and post. But for now a picture as a peace offering. :)

RBOC: getting ready for a baby is hard work edition

• All is well, 31.5 weeks and counting! I have my last ultrasound next Thursday and I can't wait to get another look at him.
  
• I am officially waddling, I'm sure it's amusing to others, to me-- not so much.
• Nursery is painted, crib and dresser/changing table assembled and curtains on order.
  
• I am fortunate to have two baby showers coming up the first week of June, grad school friends have booked flights and staying for the weekend --I couldn't possible be more thrilled.
• Work is well... insane. I am still in charge of our largest project of the year and as time is slipping away I am starting to feel the panic set in. I want to push the project to the point where it's all about revision when I walk out the door. This would mean so much to my team and it would be a huge source of pride for me... I hope I can do it.
• It's impossible for me to come home from work and do more work, I used to be able to do it, now I'm lucky if I can eat dinner before I fall asleep.
  
• New opportunity is presenting itself at work with amazing timing given how disgruntled I have been as of late (ok, the last 1.5 years), and shitty timing given I'm going to have a baby in give or take 8 weeks. Luckily my corporate staff want this for me 100% and therefore are willing to move it forward and make it happen even if I'm on maternity leave. If all goes well, it will be there waiting for me when I get back.
  
• Overall I'm busy as hell yet delighted. Hubby and I reflect on how incredibly lucky we are to have a baby on the way and so very many people who are just as excited and love him the way we do before he is already here.
  

I miss the blog world. I try to read whenever I get a few minutes so you'll see me pop up in your comments here and there. I am hoping that once my little man gets here and we settle in as a family I'll get back into the writing part.

Work

I have been doing some hard core soul searching about my job and have come to some serious conclusions. I need to either get off my current project or leave my company. A few things have happened recently to make me realize that I need to do this.

1. We have a new senior member of our team. She had breakdown late last week and I realized that I was looking in a mirror. Nothing has changed, she is having the same difficulties I experienced 2 years ago when I began this job. Even more startling to me was the fact that none of those difficulties have gone away in 2 YEARS.
2. Monday we had a big wigs staff meeting and every big wig admitted to having health and/or relationship difficulties due to our work on this project. I should mention there are 5 of us!
   
3. I woke up at 3am this am, could not stop thinking about a meeting I had with our FC early that afternoon in light of the revelations from the senior staff meeting on Monday and I ended up sobbing.
   

So I need to do something. I don't want to leave my company, if I were not on this particular project my company would be one of the best to work for. But, I've been pigeon holed in my current position on my current project because I've made it work (we literally make the impossible happen, over and over again!) and I've made it better for everyone else involved (except for myself).

I have made it quite clear to the powers that be over and over again that I would like to be involved in other projects and that I'd even be willing to stay on my current project part-time if I could find something else intellectually stimulating. I have also asked to shift my responsibilities to take on tasks that are more intellectually stimulating and would entail less direct contact with my supervisor and FC. These requests have all been met with what the powers that be thought was what I wanted to hear at the time, but no follow up action.

I am no longer willing to stay on part-time and I no longer care to have my responsibilities shifted. I need off the project or moving on to another company. It's not a threat, it's the reality of the situation. I just don't think there is room for me on other projects. There are so few PhD spots

Here's the other side of this: I am 6.5 months pregnant. I'll be on maternity leave from mid-July to mid-October. So when do I tell the powers that be that I need to either be switched to a new project or I will have to leave? Any Advice?

Why yes, I do have a blog....

I have thought about posting often, but for some reason just haven't gotten around to it. I do wonder if part of the reason why I haven't blogged is that I'm having a bit of an identity crisis...well maybe not crisis but floundering. I'm not upset about it, just recognizing that my life is changing and I'm not 100% settled in who I am right now.

Here's some updates wrapped in topics I have thought about blogging about:

My life working opposite shift from my husband.

• Primarily revolves around take out food and my DVR.
• I spend a lot of time alone and often feel quite lonely.

5.5 months of pregnancy

• Overall, I think it's been a pretty easy going pregnancy.
  
• Luckily, I got by with very little morning sickness.
• I am suffering from some back issues and have been in PT for about 2 months, things are going better and my PT exercises work to the point where I've been able to control the pain pretty well.
• I found registering for baby goods way more overwhelming than registering for our wedding. Not sure what that says about me.
• My dogs have been taken over by alien beasts, I had no idea they'd be so reactive to the fact that I'm pregnant.
  
• I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what it will be like to raise a son (yes, baby is a boy) and how right it feels for hubby and I.
• It is still a bit mind blowing (exciting but still mind blowing) that I have a human life growing inside me and that in a few short months I'll be a Mom.
  

Work

• Not much has changed. 1.5 years of dealing with micromanaging high maintenance individuals has really worn me down.
• I'm looking forward to maternity leave and will reassess my career plans in the fall.
• I saw my undergrad, master, phd and post doc mentors at our annual conference at the end of January, all of them encouraged me to get back into the academia game. Some of them luring me in with good data and the prospect of writing up papers over the next year and getting on the job market.
  
• A grad school friend just accepted a job in home city that is a job I have coveted for 2 years now, but never applied for. Still not sure how I feel about that.
  

I think that's it for now. If you are particularly interested in any of these topics let me know and I can write more.

back pain

I mentioned previously that I was experiencing agonizing back pain. It turns out my tail bone is out, as in shifted so that the left side is out a little more than the right side and that leads to inflammation and serious pain.

I've had three PT sessions and they are helping a lot, except that my tail bone keeps popping out in between sessions. :( I also had a set back flying back from the conference last week given that I was on a cramped plane for 6 hours straight.

The point of the PT exercises are to build up the muscles to keep the tailbone in place, however that means the tailbone should be in place while I'm doing the exercises. I don't know what we're going to do if it keeps popping out between appointments. I also don't know what this means for the rest of my pregnancy, this is occurring much earlier for me than it does for many pregnant women. Please keep your fingers crossed that my tailbone stays in place so that the exercises will work and I can be fairly pain free for the rest of this pregnancy.

Ok, I'm off to do some of my exercises and ice my back.

RBOC quick check in edition

• An up date on my last post; I now have a temporary crown on my tooth and am pretty much pain free. My back is better, physical therapy made a huge difference and I'm traveling right now so I haven't been able to be vigilant about my exercises but I'm doing my best and will be much better when I get home.
• I'm not sure this conference was a great idea. All of my old colleagues are trying to convince me to jump back into the academia game and kick ANJ to the curb. I have lots of mixed feelings about this.
• I have no luck with hotel rooms, we're in an amazing city with a wealth of hotel options and I ended up at the conference hotel that SUCKS. The room is small, with an even smaller window, the lighting is dingy and the hotel itself just feels run down.
• Things are not much better ANJ, I am battling with my supervisor over control over a project that I am the lead on but that supervisor clearly wants to direct. It's not much fun and I'm fighting the battle but told my closest colleague that I'm close to giving in, and that if I do I see where this path will lead me --likely that I will not be back after maternity leave.
• It's been fun and a bit overwhelming telling all my friends and colleagues that I'm pregnant. Everyone is so supportive. I'm still in the position of telling some they can't tell others because I really think it should come from me. After this weekend though, all bets are off, tell whomever the hell you want to tell. :)
• Can't wait to fly home on Sunday. I miss my hubby, the dogs, and my own bed.
  

An Open Letter

Dear Body:

I know you're very busy growing a little one and I am deeply appreciative. I also recognize that this is hard work and hence don't complain when you want to go to bed at 8:30pm or eat more red meat in a week that I usually eat in a month. However, could you please space out the falling apart? Intolerable back pain resulting in the need for physical therapy and a broken tooth* resulting in the need for a temporary cap in the same day is really unfair. Oh, and if you can't space these things out could you please, please, please not have them occur 2 days before I fly to the other coast?

You should now know that I am in love with my physical therapist and dentist who are miraculously making this trip still possible.

Love and Dr's appointments.
Me

* have I mentioned my terror when it comes to the dentist? Think of me tomorrow at 12pm EST.

Home body

I had a short business trip this week (Tu AM to Wed early PM) and on the plane home tonight I realized that I'm becoming a home body.

I still yearn for a tropical (or at least warm) vacation but I don't like to be away for long periods of time and especially without my husband. I recognize that some of that maybe due to the fact that I'm pregnant but reflecting back I think this has been building. I suspect some of stems from the realization that work travel isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

I just couldn't wait to get in my own house, where my comfy sweats are located. Where I could sit on my own couch and watch TV and I've been dreaming about sleeping in my own bed tonight (even though I was only in a hotel room for 1 night).

I'm traveling again next week for a conference. I'll be gone Wed through Sun. I'll probably be a mess by the time I get back. Fingers crossed I don't have any traveling snafus. After that, I don't have any travel plans (although it looks like I might have a couple of short work meeting trips next month).

Personal Reveal

I am 13 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Hubby and I are thrilled, we are just starting to tell people. We have experienced a previous loss so we have been very cautious during this pregnancy with telling people and just waiting for time to pass. However, I am just about to enter my 2nd trimester, we've had 3 ultrasounds and the baby has a very strong heart beat and has been consistently measuring 3-4 days ahead of it's gestational age, so all signs so far point to a healthy pregnancy. We're starting to feel much more optimistic. Here is an ultrasound pic from my 12 week appointment.

We are preparing for life to change around here and I'm hoping I'll find time to blog about all the decisions we have to make but for now I wanted to share my good news.

Year in Review

I stole this Idea from Abbey. Basically I will take the first sentence from the first post of each month of last year.

January- Just wanted to wish everyone a happy and healthy New Year. I didn't have much to say in that post. I submitted my dissertation for publication that month, too bad it was rejected in April.

February- . Work:- was okay. Seem to be making a little bit of progress. Had a presentation accepted for national research organization and submitted another one.ah yes, my progress and productivity goals for 2009. 5 ares of my life I wanted to work on last year, although I didn't give up on the goals, I did quit posting about them after 10 weeks.

March- I am NOT happy about this. I was talking about the foot of snow we got on the first. I can very much relate to these feelings right now, given that I'm in the midst of a weekend long snow storm. I am very intolerant of snow in March, every year i ready for Spring to begin. I hope there's no snow this year.

April- My life is full of unbloggable infuriating work situations right now, so here are some long awaited vacation pics to hold you over until I am no longer as angry and find something I can actually blog about. This month began with a bunch of BS at work that has continued on even today. These issue still plague me and make me wonder how much time I have left at ANJ. Additionally I started going through an unbloggable personal situation that lead to some of the worst days of my life to date in June.

May- I'm hanging out at home alone on a Saturday night. I was writing in bullets alot during April/May. Unbloggable personal situation was dominating my life which made it hard to have something to write about.

June- Yesterday was the worst day of my life (so far and I hope, hope, hope for a lifetime). Only two posts in June, it was a really hard month for me and one of those times in my life where I was just hoping time would pass me by so I could get some space in between me all that I experienced during that time. The quiet on my blog reflected the quietness I needed in my life to get through this experience.

July- It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Just starting to talk and share again. July was better than June, but still slow going.

August- Dear Hubby, I'm writing this here because if I don't write it down here, I might just have to strangle you. ah yes, I remember this day well. I can actually relate very much to these feelings right now. For some reason hubby's travel decisions never go well. I was much better during August, spent the last week and a half on a much needed beach vacation.

September- Came home a day early. Late August beach weather is quite variable in the North East so we headed back a day early. I did a lot of thinking about ANJ on this vacation. I took some action after the vacation to try and make things better at ANJ, there have been some changes since then but overall things aren't much better for me.

October- Tomorrow is my annual review with my boss. and it goes on and on. :)

November- I really do enjoy blogging but haven't been very good about it the last couple of months so I've decided to give NaBloPoMo a try.I tried, but ended up with 11 posts in 30 days. It was a great month for me, I got some great news (haven't blogged about that), took a weekend trip that turned into an amazing experience and overall had a good month.

December- I didn't post at all! But if you got to my post from yesterday you can see what I have been up to.

Here's to 2010!

Hello January...

Where did December go and why haven't I blogged? I'm not quite sure! Here's what I've been up to

• My 35th birthday
• Girl's weekend shopping and a Spa Day
• My Mom's birthday, one of my best friend's birthday, company Holiday party (all one weekend).
• Sisters annual holiday party.
• Concert for my favorite band.
• Hosted a Christmas Eve brunch
• Got sick (and I still am, 10 days and counting).
  

I guess all that didn't leave much time for blog writing or reading (over 500 posts in my reader). I hope to be better during January.