Friday, July 11, 2008

I'm depressed

It hit me tonight, out of the blue... I'm depressed.

You may be wondering why it would take a psychologist so long to notice and why it came as a surprise but... I'm not that kind of psychologist and whenever this happens it always takes me by surprise.

I have been eating terribly- comfort food dictates my life; pizza, pasta, coffee and bagel for breakfast every morning....anything bad for me, haven't exercised in so long I actually forget when the last time was, no energy to do anything (including cook dinner) when I get home, all I want to do is sleep, I've had a headache every day this week, I'm irritable and want to cry because my DH went out for drinks with 2 of his buddies (this is SO not me, usually I relish a night alone with a good book and nobody to interrupt me).

I've been working really hard (way too hard for summer), I'm stressed about what I'll be doing in the fall, I worry that my PDM doesn't want me around, I worry that I'm not getting enough time to write, I feel anxious most of the time, I need a vacation but don't have the time to take one.

Tomorrow I'm going to the beach, to sit in the sand and read a book, to swim in the ocean, to feel the waves crash against me.

The good news is that I'm usually pretty good at recovering once it finally does it hit me. I'll pull myself out of this, start taking better care, try to keep my emotions under check until I am feeling better and start telling my support network how I feel so they can give me the support I need to feel better. This won't last long.


post-doc said...

I'm sorry. You've been through a lot lately with interviews and follow-ups and a heavy load at work. Depression always sneaks up on me too - I've usually spent several days feeling really crappy before I identify that it's a real mood issue. But yay for having a plan to combat it! The beach sounds amazing - I'm jealous - and I hope Monday finds you feeling much better.

thenextfish said...

That is the shitty thing about stress it makes you think you don't have the time or energy to look after yourself. One thing I've learnt the hard way is you've just got to take time for vacations sometimes it's not an option you just have to. I hope you have a lovely weekend.

Seeking Solace said...

Yep. it's going around. But the good news is that you know it and willing to get out of it.

Going to the beach sounds great. Doing something nice for yourself is a good way to ease your way back to normal.

Psych Post Doc said...

Thanks for the comments everyone, I really appreciate it.

I'm doing better today. It's always like this, a complete suprise but I'm pretty good at pulling myself out of it once it does hit me.

Today I'm paying attention to what I eat, spent a lovely morning and early afternoon at the beach just relaxing and now I'm lounging around at home thinking about doing some work but not feeling stressed about it.

Southern Grad Girl said...

I'm a little behind, I know, but I just want to say that I think it's excellent that you can recognize these things about yourself and know the things that you need to make them better. That sense of empowerment alone can help get you out of it.

Oh, and I'm totally jealous about the beach. What did I do today? Sit through (willingly, I must admit) 25 talks. My head is spinning.

Ms.PhD said...

I had have this experience once in grad school. At that point I realized I was already coping very well (forcing myself to exercise and eat and sleep) and was surprised to note that what I was doing was coping.

So I guess by the time you notice it, you're already on your way back to 'normal', whatever normal is for you?

I've been feeling generally deflated for a long time now, though, and my whole life is basically a series of habits designed to help me function in spite of that.

I guess I'm hoping that eventually this feeling will wear off, even though, if past experience serves as any indication, I know it always comes back.

Psycgirl said...

I hate when it hits out of the blue like that! feel better soon!

Psych Post Doc said...

Thanks everyone.

SGG- I think you're right that the empowerment really helps. As soon as I realize what's going on and what needs to be done I start to feel better.

MsPhd- I don't fool myself into thinking it won't happen again. So is life.